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I'll add another reason to that: Condomless sex is just better. The best sex I've had, sex that has made me understand gay culture in new ways, has been raw. I generally don't have problems with condoms, but on a sensory level, I'd always rather not be wearing one. For all the statistical and medical issues I looked into surrounding Truvada, the heart of the question was barebacking.

That is what we talk about when we talk about Truvada. That is why we don't always like to talk about Truvada. Truvada discussions have a way of devolving into the worst sort of online shouting matches. Discussing gay sexuality, especially of the promiscuous sort, is not easy. The culture has swung from the bacchanalia of liberation to the life-or-death insistence on sexual responsibility in the shadow of AIDS. Sometimes it feels that we've learned responsibility too well.

There's this belief that we're going to scare the straight people repulsed by our sex away from granting us our rights. There is an urgent mandate to behave, which means not engaging in risky sex and for god's sake not talking about it.

Before you condemn the community or irresponsible gay men, it is probably helpful to think about these words from Pickett:. Your grandmother was a barebacker. That secretary in your office, when you're invited to her baby shower, she's a barebacker.

You're bringing gifts for someone who engaged in risky fucking behavior. What the fuck are you doing? She's a bad person. We would never [say] that. You're reckless, you're careless, you're insane, you're self-destructive, you want to hurt yourself and others. For a lot of people, condoms get in the way. That's just a fact.

And if you can use a condom yourself and that doesn't interfere, again, great for you. But if you can't, that's not a mark against you. Pickett, like many of the pro-Truvada people that I spoke with, believes in having multiple prevention options for people and acknowledges the reality that Truvada is often used on its own. If one is going to choose sides between condom and PrEP, he said, Truvada's is a reasonable side to choose:.

They don't go from to zero in one fell swoop. So they're thinking that taking three or four doses a week keeps enough drug in your system to be protective. But keeping the drug in the system means also exposing yourself to a new set of risks, from its possible long-term side effects.

Truvada can reduce bone density and alter kidney function, though recently published results from the ongoing iPrEx study found that kidney function returned to normal when Truvada use was stopped. There are limited data at the moment on long-term side effects of Truvada use in HIV-negative individuals.

A study was published in early September that followed HIV-uninfected men for two years while using PrEP, and other than some back pain, there were no adverse side effects associated with taking tenofovir of the two drugs in Truvada, the one that is thought to be more toxic.

Stephen Dillon, who has a practice in New York and says about two thirds of his patients are gay. The medical community is still trying to figure out how to best implement this. Dillon says he takes a "reasoned" approach, and mainly recommends PrEP to guys in serodiscordant couples or sex workers. For other people, he was much more enthusiastic about PEP, or post-exposure prophylaxis, a sort of mornings-after pill in which a month's worth of Truvada is administered to an HIV negative individual who fears recent HIV exposure treatment can start any time up to 72 hours after the potential exposure, but the sooner it's taken, the better.

Such resistance is scary on a personal level, for everyone living in the world where HIV infection is a possibility. Antiretroviral drugs have been so effective that this study suggests proper treatment has the life expectancy of HIV positive men approach that of the general population.

These meds are key to continued survival. But it's also scary in terms of the bigger cultural picture. It suggests that by not taking Truvada properly, PrEP men who sleep with men could become responsible for a burgeoning strain of Truvada-resistant HIV that can be transmitted to people who were never on Truvada, people who maybe opposed its use for this very reason.

It's just a new example in a long line of examples of how individuals' behavior can affect the group—or more specifically to this case, how the potential for group harm can cause preemptive condemnation from more sanctimonious members of said group. Pickett told me he believes drug resistance is "something to be watchful for," but not a huge concern of his for a few reasons.

One is that resistance is common in the world of HIV medications. He said he's HIV positive himself, and has been on various meds since , building up resistance to "a whole bunch of drugs over the years. And because maintaining a Truvada prescription requires a comprehensive HIV test every three months, Pickett suggested that there would be opportunity to keep a mutant strain of the virus contained:. If it has any kind of genetic alterations due to it being exposed to a certain drug, suboptimal levels of drug, that could be determined.

It could also be determined that you don't have any drug in your system. And if you don't have drug in your system, you can't be resistant. You also can't be resistant if you don't become HIV positive. People get confused about that a little bit, like the drug itself can create resistance. Well, the drug has to be at suboptimal levels and come into contact with HIV.

If you don't come into contact with HIV, no resistance. If you come into contact with HIV and you don't have any drug in your system, no resistance. It's just that suboptimal part. But it's a harder thing to happen than I think people think about. Dillon explained that the regular testing includes kidney function tests, HIV antibody tests, and a test called PCR for viral load.

He also named a potential complication in prescribing Truvada:. That, I would learn, was almost prohibitive in and of itself. My doctor who, for the record, is not Dr. Dillon didn't hesitate or attempt to talk me out of it when I told him I wanted to go on Truvada. In fact, he facilitated it beyond his obligation.

Acknowledging the push-back from the companies who don't want to pay for the prolonged deviant ways of gay men, he told me that instead of a prescription for a day supply, he'd write me one for a day supply every month.

Insurance companies see that and figure it's for a day course of PEP, not the open-ended PrEP use, so it's less likely to raise red flags. He sent the prescription to my pharmacy. I don't need it that badly. Gawker hardly pays me a gay porn salary. Gilead, the drug manufacturer, offers to defray part of the cost of Truvada through in its Co-Pay Assistance program.

I called my insurance company. The woman on the phone told me that my prescription hadn't even been run through insurance, and explained that I needed a precertification in order for that to happen. I got back in touch with my doctor to ask if he could make that happen. He confirmed that he would. That was not unreasonable, but given the co-pay program, I let Gilead handle it, which meant putting in another call to my pharmacy to give them the information that the drug company had given me. But I persevered and eventually got my supply, paying nothing out of pocket.

The next morning I was excited to start taking this thing, as though it would give me something I could feel beyond a reinforced sense of security. Unfortunately, I discovered that taking Truvada gave me too many new things to feel. Whatever short-term side effects I could get, I did.

Less than a week out, I started to feel a deep sense of fatigue every day around 6 p. It was something I could power through and eventually shake, but it made me feel like dropping to the floor and passing out instead of going to the gym or attending movie screenings.

I had perpetual muscle soreness, especially in my legs, as if I had squatted way more than I should have the day before. My skin got worse. I developed a disgusting, raised rash on my torso that my dermatologist told me was the result of a nickel allergy I had been wearing the culprit belt for years.

Truvada gets compared the birth control pill a lot. To me, what it had most in common with that contraception was that it was something that was supposed to help people relax about sex, yet it made me more uptight, more self-conscious.

My time on Truvada wasn't a particularly promiscuous time for me, anyway. And soon after starting to take it, I found myself in a relationship that got pretty serious pretty quickly. In that sense, I guess, Truvada did incentivize bareback sex, but it was bareback sex that I would have been having eventually anyway.

To me, the freedom to go raw is a prime advantage of monogamy. I was prepared to take Truvada indefinitely, though, even with the side effects, which seemed to ebb a bit as time went on. I could never be sure, too, what was a result of the Truvada and what was my body just doing bodily bullshit, or even worse, psychosomatic bullshit. Sometimes I get a zit or two for no reason, despite my daily use of a retinoid.

In that respect, the constant evaluation and causal uncertainty reminded me of the way I regarded by body before I was on Truvada, when every sneeze and cough could be a sign of illness. It will take a drug far stronger than Truvada to rid gay men of their body consciousness and paranoia.

The day I discontinued my Truvada use was the day I woke up with a migraine so bad that I threw up as a result of the pain, despite zero nausea. It felt like a small monster was attempting to pop itself out of my head through my right eye. Truvada is not generally regarded to cause migraines, though an infectious disease specialist I visited told me she had seen the drug affect neurology before. Putting this drug in my system was the biggest alteration that I had done to my body since I quit smoking cigarettes almost nine years ago.

I didn't want to risk it and, no longer single, there was little reason to stay on something that I suspected was causing me pain. The migraines became more frequent in the two weeks after I discontinued my Truvada use. And then they stopped. But the longer I've been off Truvada, the better I've felt.

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